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Blog, Pregnancy

Five things not to say to a friend doing IVF

A guest post by Rebecca Robertson from Savvy Mumma Savings

If your friendship group consists of women in their 20’s to 40’s it is probably a minefield of fertility sensitivities. Surprise pregnancies, emotional scars of the fertility rollercoaster and those still in the trenches of “trying”. After undergoing years of IVF to complete our family, here are some things not to say if you are ever in the position of having a friend bare their soul and confess they are undergoing fertility treatment.

It will all work out

Are you suddenly the authority on fertility? Why am I wasting all my hard earned cash on specialists with medical knowledge and training then? Unless you have an accurate crystal ball, empty promises of hope is the last thing someone in emotional hell needs. Fact is, it may not work out. Despite amazing advances in technology and medical science, many couples never take home a baby. Never. Sometimes people need to say their fears out loud and really be heard.

Advice

Unless you are a qualified expert, I don’t want your advice. Actual medical professionals are providing this thank you very much. Doing the “deed” at 5am, in water, whilst eating pineapple may have worked for your cousin but I just want someone to listen, not old wives tales and over share about people I have never met.

Sarah/Jenny/Betty had IVF and now they have a baby on the way/twins/10 kids

Oh. So. Unhelpful. Whoopee for those ladies, but it changes nothing. What was their specific medical issue and precisely what did their treatment plan entail? Wait, why are we talking about other people? A friend reaching out needs support not a discussion about someone else’s triumphs.

Kids aren’t that great

People WITH KIDS actually said this to me. They were joking. I think. Being a parent is not the only thing in life and it is probably not exactly like anyone imagines it will be. But I’ve decided it is what I want and it is not up for discussion. Let me struggle on and hopefully get pregnant, have a baby, then we will complain about parenthood together – until then, save it. Humour is not ideal right now, there is little that is funny about the heartbreak of wanting a family and not being able to achieve your dream.

Just relax

Here I was spending thousands of dollars and following gruelling medical plans when all I needed was a week in Bali. Quick, book the next flight. The mere mention of needing to be relaxed instantly results in more stress, compounding the feeling of failure. No one says “Hey, I would like a baby so I’ll just go straight into expensive and invasive medical procedures”. There is a reason it has come to this point and it has nothing to do with the frequency of yoga classes and margaritas.

About Rebecca

Savvy Mumma Savings is the passion project of a Melbourne Mumma to three little ones (3 years of age and under).

A part time accountant, in the not-for-profit industry, Mumma enjoys sharing money saving ideas, budget friendly toddler activities and personal experiences about parenting a young family. You can find Rebecca on Facebook or Instagram.

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